one self

Have you ever thought you knew yourself, but then had that familiar picture shattered in one small moment?

A time when you questioned everything that is part of that comfortable depiction of the person you are.

When you hadn’t found yourself, it was difficult. You were vulnerable and self-doubting; defenseless against any emotional threats; confused about any decision-making that would influence the years ahead.

But when you began to discover yourself, you were confident. You started to understand where you were in life, where you’ve been, where you wanted to go.

Then something happened. Something you couldn’t quite comprehend, not because it was devastating or traumatising, but because what happened was so simple and so petty that you didn’t think it would change so much.

And suddenly, you were back to your unconfident self. Your secure self became an alter ego that you’ve learnt is too dangerous to put on.

This first self isn’t you though. Perhaps the new identity isn’t you either. Maybe you had it all wrong in the first place.

So now you have to set off on the same journey to find yourself again. But the difference this time is that you’ll take another path; a path that leads you to an individual even more remarkable than the one before.

maybe

I’m trying really hard to fix us up. But for some reason, you just don’t respond.

I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I give the whole me to you. I make sure that you get what you want; what you deserve.

But I’m not getting anything in return.

A relationship is between two people. Our relationship however, is unrequited. I don’t want to have a relationship with myself. I don’t want to be alone; waiting, hoping, dreaming that one day, you’ll realise that what we could have means the world to you.

The only way to mend this is for me to stop surrendering my heart to you. Maybe then you’ll learn what it’s like to not have someone who cares. Maybe then you’ll feel what it’s like to be me.

And maybe then you won’t be so ungrateful next time.

listen to your heart

You have a brain to process what you feel is insulting.

You have a mind to wonder why it has to be you to suffer such poor behaviour.

You have a voice to inquire why you have to endure such rudeness.

You have a heart to feel angry; undermined; patronised.

I'm just like you.

So tell me why I don’t have the same right to be mad at you when you offend me.

My brain processes that this is unfair treatment.

My mind tells me I should confront you.

My voice desperately wants to speak up.

But my heart pleads with me that I'll lose this fight and you get to exert your powerful dominance once again.

you are loved

It didn’t just appear out of nowhere. But lately it has peaked.

Her behaviour frightens me and worries me. Seeing her like this makes me want to cry.

She keeps saying that her life is devastating and worthless; that she hasn’t made anything special out of her life. She has so much time to figure out the direction she wants her life to be headed though – she could do anything she wants, I tell her. But it was hard to do this, she feels, because luck wasn’t on her side. She thinks that she’s incapable of doing things. But I know this is completely untrue. I have seen her in her everyday routine, and she astonishes me with her sheer intelligence. She’s quick-witted, sharp and smooth. She could knock out any one of us. But she’s too down on herself to realise this.

She says that she hasn’t done anything to make anyone proud. But I beg to differ.

I’m proud that she walked into my life.

(Author’s note: If you’re feeling depressed or know someone who may be suffering from depression, please seek professional help. Always remember that you are loved.)

the observer

There’s a lonely young girl, sitting on the sand and surveying her surroundings. She takes mental notes of the people around her.

There’s a group of teenage boys, having a game of beach volleyball. There’s a display of strong camaraderie, athleticism and energy. One boy misses the ball, the other guys jokingly headlock him.

There’s a group of toddlers - barely having gotten used to walking - trotting small steps along the deep sand. Some fall over; mums rush over and help their tots stand up.

There’s a young couple, laying side by side, head over heels in love, as if there’s not a care left in the world.

There’s an elderly couple, pulling each other along by the hand along the edges of the water. They twirl and begin to dance, letting the world see that sometimes, it’s the simplest things that give us the most joy.

There’s a father with two little girls, who whinge and whine and demand their dad’s individual attention. He sets up a kite and the girls laugh. Seeing this, he laughs, feeling relieved that he’s not doing such a bad job after all.

There are two women, jogging one behind the other along the high tide mark, welcoming the presence of the sun and the clear blue skies.

There’s a little boy, throwing his Frisbee as far as he can, loudly rooting for his dog Benny to catch it on the other side.

There are two young adults, shutting their novels and turning towards teach other to discuss and debate their literary adventures.

There’s a group of pre-teen girls, flicking the pages of the latest gossip magazine, whispering and giggling, oohing and aahing.

There’s a family picnic near the pier end of the beach. The parents, enjoying quality time spent with the family, prepare the food. The excited children invite the seagulls, serving them barbeque-flavoured chips.

That lonely young girl directs her eyes towards the sea, hoping that if there was another pair of observant eyes, they wouldn’t miss her solitary caricature sitting on the sand.

be yourself

I feel like I’m always trying to impress you. But the urge to strike you is sometimes so desperate that I make myself out to be someone I’m not.

I finally comprehend that pretending to be someone else is a dead-end road to unhappiness. It’s only now when I’ve reach this blockade that I regret going down this road. It seems so obvious. How could I be so stupid as to lie about my persona and still expect to live a satisfied life? How did I convince myself that the sealed off road was my desired destination all along?

I’m not proud of what I’ve done and I wish I hadn’t done it.

I didn’t want to let you down. I didn’t want you to find something in my true self that you weren’t expecting nor wanting to find.

Like now.

I just… wanted you to love me.

it's over

I trusted you. I confided in you. I supported you. I loved you.

What have you given me?

A couple of laughs aren’t what I call friendship. Not one that I had wanted. Not one that I want.

I’ve noticed this for some time now. I’ve put up with it, because I really thought we could develop some meaning in all of this.

But I don’t think I can. Not anymore. Not since I finally took a good look at how you treated me differently. Two words: a joke.

It hurts when I think that someone sees me that way.

I’m human too. I have emotions; emotions that scream to me that in effect, you’re even more of a joke.

So from now on, I’m relying on myself. I’m not going to let you bring me down.

It’s over.

i hate you because it's not your fault

I ask him what was upsetting him. I get no response. So I blindly console him. It’s times like these when sympathy works best, not empathy. You don’t need to understand.

But it’s not working. Every time he speaks, he yells. I apologise.

“IT’S NOT YOU,” he tells me. But he continues to holler.

Every single thing – even the minutest – pisses him off. Every word I say, he somehow perceives it as me acting “against him”.

I apologise again.

“I’M NOT UPSET AT YOU.”

Really? He has an odd way of showing it.

Whatever he is angry about; whatever his mind is preoccupied with, it doesn’t matter. He needs something, someone, to let his rage out on. And he has chosen to take it out on me. It’s frustrating; aggravating. Whatever it is, it wasn’t my fault. It’s completely unwarranted that I have to suffer his wrath whenever it suits his needs.

I want to help him. I genuinely want to, despite his undue rudeness. But I don’t know how. If he is going to reject my concern, then maybe I’m the wrong person he’s talking to. He should go and infuriate someone else. Someone that allows themselves to be a target of fury. A role that I, alas, refuse to play.

Nonetheless, he has turned to me. I can’t really pinpoint why.

“IF I DON’T EXPEL SOME OF THIS ANGER, I MIGHT GO INSANE,” he says.

And then I get it. I am the only one he can come to. It doesn’t matter to him if he tells me the whole story, part of it, or none of it. As long as I am with him; as long as he has someone he can trust, it will make him feel better.

I am that one person. Am I going to just shatter his confidence? Is my loyalty that shallow?

So I decide to go along with him. It’s exasperating, yes. But sometimes you just have to make that extra effort to bring someone back to their normal self.

In the end, they will show you that getting yelled at for no reason was for all the right reasons.

the lottery

We're all in the life lottery.

And the jackpot, luck.

Looks, family, friends, love, intelligence, career, fate.

More than six billion versions of life have been pre-written. No one knows for sure who wrote them; a higher force perhaps.

Each time a child is conceived, they are assigned a particular life. There's no favouritism in this or any sort of advantage that one would have over another. It doesn't matter who your connections are or how wealthy you are, it doesn’t change the way your destiny wants to plan out. It's all down to chance. The odds. How lucky you are. The shattering thing is, even though your destiny is yours, if you don’t like it, you can’t change it.

But even for the worst of lives, that change will come. It’s in one of the upcoming chapters of your life book. And you can only wait for that change to head your way. There’s no way it will come faster, or come in a different fashion. Every opportunity that arrives on your door step is written especially for you. Every prospect calls for you to gravitate towards it. No matter how big or small the change is, it’s there because destiny wants a better life for you.

So don’t fret about trying to shift fate. Go along with whatever life presents. That's when the life lottery becomes the luck lottery.

And the jackpot, life.

what are you staring at?

When you're in the car and you stop at the lights, do you ever turn to stare at the people in the car next to you?

It's just that tendency to just glance around when you're stationary.

They of course look back. Inevitably there's that moment of awkwardness and you just look away.

I must admit, I sometimes do this wittingly. I get so bored that I keep staring at people until they get so embarrassed that they turn away themselves.

I've had kids equally as bored as me respond by sticking their tongue out or making googly-eyed faces. And that's when I decide to retain my dignity and look away before someone more mature catches me out.

Today, as we reached a red light, I saw an old man in the car next to mine. I wasn't being weird and purposely staring this time, I swear. So I glanced over and I caught his eye (he was staring too!). When I was about to look away, his lips turned upward and he smiled. A genuine smile. It wasn't sardonic or creepy, but warm and sincere.

I had no idea who he was. I'd never seen him before in my life and I probably wouldn't ever see him again. But it got me thinking. Such a small gesture made my day. It brought such a sense of community; of support and love. The fact that it came from a stranger showed that it was universal. A simple smile can make anyone happy.

So I smiled back.