i did it

I did it. I never thought I could do it. But I made it.

I was ecstatic; completely overwhelmed. I know it is cliché, but I was honestly speechless.

Yes, I had a ton of people behind me. But it was still my effort; it was something I could call my own.

And then you scoffed at me. You put me down with such disdain. Am I just not good enough for you? I never will be. Your expectations that come highly strung with degrading comments have left you with a naive perception of the world. There aren’t many people where you come from.

So you know what, it’s okay. I’m going to be okay. I hate it when you belittle me. Why should I let my hard work be ridiculed? But I am satisfied with me. And so I’ve found that I don’t need to please anyone. I know that I did it.

I really did it.

one self

Have you ever thought you knew yourself, but then had that familiar picture shattered in one small moment?

A time when you questioned everything that is part of that comfortable depiction of the person you are.

When you hadn’t found yourself, it was difficult. You were vulnerable and self-doubting; defenseless against any emotional threats; confused about any decision-making that would influence the years ahead.

But when you began to discover yourself, you were confident. You started to understand where you were in life, where you’ve been, where you wanted to go.

Then something happened. Something you couldn’t quite comprehend, not because it was devastating or traumatising, but because what happened was so simple and so petty that you didn’t think it would change so much.

And suddenly, you were back to your unconfident self. Your secure self became an alter ego that you’ve learnt is too dangerous to put on.

This first self isn’t you though. Perhaps the new identity isn’t you either. Maybe you had it all wrong in the first place.

So now you have to set off on the same journey to find yourself again. But the difference this time is that you’ll take another path; a path that leads you to an individual even more remarkable than the one before.

maybe

I’m trying really hard to fix us up. But for some reason, you just don’t respond.

I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I give the whole me to you. I make sure that you get what you want; what you deserve.

But I’m not getting anything in return.

A relationship is between two people. Our relationship however, is unrequited. I don’t want to have a relationship with myself. I don’t want to be alone; waiting, hoping, dreaming that one day, you’ll realise that what we could have means the world to you.

The only way to mend this is for me to stop surrendering my heart to you. Maybe then you’ll learn what it’s like to not have someone who cares. Maybe then you’ll feel what it’s like to be me.

And maybe then you won’t be so ungrateful next time.